Beth's Journal

I had some screwed up dreams last night/this morning.

One of which was the usual one my deep subconscious throws at me every month: "oh hay you're on your period, I'm going to make you dream of being pregnant since i know you hate it so much!" Gnaaaarrr. I am deeply afraid of being pregnant. I'm very iffy about bodily functions and I'm never very comfortable in my own body - I can't bear having something grow in me and throw everything I know about myself out the window. (Hell, I'm squicked out about the fact that I'm full of blood and bodily organs. I like to think that I'm filled with Poly-Fil stuffing. And that all my organs are little stuffed representations of the real thing. Scares me a lot less.)

Dream two was just... weird. I was helping Mom clean again, and Ruthie was helping, and we were taking care of some birds. Apparently Ruthie decided that one of the birds wanted to learn how to swim, and I found it trying to keep its head above water in the fish tank. I freaked, pulled it out and dried it off, and then tried to find the cage it belonged in. At one point, while I was trying to find its cage, the bird decided it wanted to cling to me. Like, wrap its wings around my face and cuddle. Okay then! I found its cage eventually, and put it in, and that was that. Then, the scene switches to me being in the back of a car, and there's a bunch of junk in there, and there's a bird cage with two birds in it and some broken eggs. As I watch, one of the birds lays a disgusting looking egg, and I turn away in the dream, but now I can't get that image out of my head. Birds laying rotten eggs. That has to mean something, right? I mean, dreaming of losing teeth means getting money (oddly, the more teeth I lose, the less money I get, but still), dreaming of birds laying rotten eggs must have some strange meaning.

ANYWAY. Today's the last day I'm babysitting for the week, I am happy for this. Means I can go clean out my fish tank, FINALLY. And get some dirt set up in the bottom of it, and the stones too. I'm hoping the pet store has some female bettas or some good looking neon tetras to put in the big tank along with Miss Artemis. Lately she's been swimming around the big plant I dumped in her tank- I think she likes it. I'm amazed it was still alive in Mom's tank- I wonder how long it's just been sitting and growing there.

8 days to my birthday. Bryan said he'd take me out to dinner! I'm going to wear my piano dress, and my fancy headband, and maybe my new white heels.

It feels like today's gone on forever. It's the second day I've had that started with an emergency (yesterday Mom called me at 7:30 am freaking out because she thought Johanna took her meds, when she actually just put them back where they were, on the bench behind her bedroom door, in a basket, which took her maybe a half hour or an hour to find; today it was Bryan saying "oh hay your tent collapsed under the snow k bye"), and waking up only to dash out into the snow and yank some tent poles loose... yeah, that's not the best way to wake up. At least Tyler behaved himself today, even if he was a little bored because it was too cold to go outside and he didn't have free reign of the house due to the cleaning ladies being there. I've got Friday off, and then that should be it for the days off until the end of June, when the daily babysitting ends. I'm sorta looking forward to summer, it means more petsitting jobs and better weather. I would much rather deal with Tyler's dog some days, all Zoey does is lay around and look at me with those sad eyes. When I pet sit her, the first thing I'm going to do is give the poor doggy a bath - she needs one.

My night, now that I'm home and done with class and work for the day, is being spent listening to a series of podcasts on the history of Rome (sure it may be boring to you, but I'm finding it very interesting, at least the bits I'm absorbing), curled up in the big desk chair wearing pajamas and my mom's old bathrobe. I love this thing - it's heavy terrycloth, and it used to be on the couch for the longest time. Back when we had a couch in the living room, anyway, and not the top bunk of our old bunk beds. Mom used to use it as a blanket, and the dogs would curl up on it. It's good to snuggle up in. Almost like getting a hug from my mom.

I may go to bed soon. Sure, it's not even 8:30 pm here, but I am exhausted.