Beth's Journal

I can't believe it's been ten years since I started college. Ten years since I took my first trip up to Potsdam, all optimistic about college and making friends and classes and everything.

It feels like everything's changed while nothing has changed.

I mean, the town is essentially the same - downtown looks a lot nicer than it did ten years ago, there's a lot less derelict and empty storefronts. We actually have a decent grocery store. We have a friggin' Walmart. Bay Street has not changed one bit, either, although there's no crazies living at 14 Bay anymore (thank god!), and they finally painted over the "PLEASE CLOSE DOOR" on 38 Bay, one of the places I used to live in. Campus is a lot different, though. They've torn out the original courtyard to the Student Union and completely redone it. They stuffed a cafe in the library. They gutted the Greenery and turned it into Becky's Place At Pratt Commons (or whatever the hell they call it now). There are computers in classrooms other than the ones in Kellas.

But nobody really cares about the town, the college, I don't think.

I'm looking at myself, though, and seeing how much I changed. I never really notice it until I look back on things I'd written in the past, or how I acted, and think about just how stupid I was. I've matured a lot, which is surprising to me. My work ethic is a lot better. When I held my first campus job, I thought nothing about skipping work and classes. Now, I'm working 39 hours a week and going to 12 credit hours worth of classes. I am also a lot less... stupid in relationships, I guess you could say. I'm not even going to get into my escapades during my first two years of college, but I will say I've settled down a LOT, considering I did just get married.

I think I need to finish my graduate degree and get out of this town. Only then will I truly feel like an adult, I think. Only then will I feel like I've finally made something of myself. The more I stay here, the more worthless I feel. This town leeches the life out of you if you stay longer than four or five years.

Why do I always end up in relationships that I end up hurting in?

Why do I even bother to try to form meaningful relationships when I know they'll all fail in the end? I have three close friends, one of which I talk to somewhat regularly, and Bryan. And we all know how well that's been going lately.

He says he'll try to make things better, try to work on things. How can he fix things when he's three hours away, going to garage sales with his mother?

He says he contributes to the house, that he cooks, does dishes, and is going to be driving me to student teaching, and helped me petsit. However, I'm the one who works 40 hours a week to pay for the food he cooks and the soap that washes the dishes. I clean the house, I wash and fold his laundry, and if it weren't for me being friends with Caroline, we wouldn't have had the pet sitting job at all. He just waltzes off to do fun things while I work my fucking ass off. I pay his bills. I pay the rent. I deal with his video game addiction. I fucking gave him a laptop. Granted it's used and has issues, but it actually runs, unlike the laptop his dad gave him. (And for those who are curious and wonder how I got a Macbook Pro while being unable to afford a wedding, I got extra financial aid to cover my computer- I found out that I can do a budget adjustment to pay for a computer once during my time in school. That's how I got the laptop, which is one of the smaller, cheaper Pros. They don't do budget adjustments for weddings.)

And I'm sitting here at Financial Aid, working, with the exciting prospect of going home and crying to my fish this evening, while Bryan is off in the mountains, having fun with his family.

Which is apparently another point of issue between us. He thinks I'm jealous of the relationship he has with his family. I'm just jealous of the fact that he actually gets to SEE his family. Since this time last year, I've seen his family 6 times. I've seen my mother ONCE.

I hate the school's insurance company.

This is the first day I've had to decide between staying sane and being able to breathe. I wonder if it says something about me that I picked the antidepressants over the asthma medicine.

Stupid fucking insurance. Unless Dr. Moose can get me on some of the $4 generics that WalMart offers, I'm probably going to lose it this summer - especially without birth control regulating everything.

Fuck. When it rains, it pours, doesn't it? We couldn't afford to pay any of our bills this month, just rent, so we pay double of what we usually do on our next bills, and what happens if we can't afford to pay all of them? I think the phone would be what goes first - it's so expensive and Bry's had his phone shut off before. First I was dealing with that shit, and now my pills.

UGH.