Beth's Journal

Why do I always end up in relationships that I end up hurting in?

Why do I even bother to try to form meaningful relationships when I know they'll all fail in the end? I have three close friends, one of which I talk to somewhat regularly, and Bryan. And we all know how well that's been going lately.

He says he'll try to make things better, try to work on things. How can he fix things when he's three hours away, going to garage sales with his mother?

He says he contributes to the house, that he cooks, does dishes, and is going to be driving me to student teaching, and helped me petsit. However, I'm the one who works 40 hours a week to pay for the food he cooks and the soap that washes the dishes. I clean the house, I wash and fold his laundry, and if it weren't for me being friends with Caroline, we wouldn't have had the pet sitting job at all. He just waltzes off to do fun things while I work my fucking ass off. I pay his bills. I pay the rent. I deal with his video game addiction. I fucking gave him a laptop. Granted it's used and has issues, but it actually runs, unlike the laptop his dad gave him. (And for those who are curious and wonder how I got a Macbook Pro while being unable to afford a wedding, I got extra financial aid to cover my computer- I found out that I can do a budget adjustment to pay for a computer once during my time in school. That's how I got the laptop, which is one of the smaller, cheaper Pros. They don't do budget adjustments for weddings.)

And I'm sitting here at Financial Aid, working, with the exciting prospect of going home and crying to my fish this evening, while Bryan is off in the mountains, having fun with his family.

Which is apparently another point of issue between us. He thinks I'm jealous of the relationship he has with his family. I'm just jealous of the fact that he actually gets to SEE his family. Since this time last year, I've seen his family 6 times. I've seen my mother ONCE.

Since most of you have just started reading about my life today, none of you probably know about the issues I've been having with the sorority I stupidly joined two years ago. I joined Gamma Sigma Sigma, which is the national service sorority, because I wanted to make a difference, help people, and make new friends. All it's turned out to be is just a bunch of catty, clique-y little girls who want to wear Greek letters and get drunk every weekend. Our formal dinner/dance thing was last night, and I didn't go because I'm broke and I really didn't want to spend the evening with girls who ignored me all semester. So I ranted over in my LJ, and I'm ranting here too.

I am sick of getting bitched at for not going to the Gamma Sig formal. I was planning on it, until I had to pay over $500 for the rental fees for where Bry and I are getting married. And on top of that we've barely got enough money for next month's rent. What, do they expect me to crap out the money so I can watch a bunch of underaged girls get drunk? I've gotten a few "thanks for not going to formal!" comments from some of the girls. I've been treated like I don't even exist all semester long. That's it. I'm done.

Yes, I know I've said this before, but I'm stupid, and I gave everyone another chance, mostly because a lot of people guilt tripped me into it. Samantha said that she was pissed because I "abandoned" her and the rest of the pledge class. Well, friendship is a two-way street, girl, and you NEVER bothered to talk to me at all last semester, when I was inactive because grad school was kicking my ass. I hardly saw anyone, didn't even find out who all the new girls were until this semester, and even now I didn't know that Lucia went alumni a few weeks ago because of her schoolwork. The sorority's running almost in the red- if they actually paid the money they 'raised' to all the things we raised money for, we'd be in the negatives. Raising everyone's dues isn't going to fix it. Having Allison bitch at everybody for two hours every Sunday night isn't going to fix it. Completely ignoring your members isn't going to fix it. Throwing parties with money WE DON'T HAVE and getting our pictures taken for composite with money WE DON'T FUCKING HAVE isn't going to fix it. It also doesn't help that someone's been stealing money from the sorority, and Allison has threatened to kill our chapter because of the money thefts. Not because we don't do all that much service, not because Gamma Sig has turned into an easy way to get Greek letters and nobody cares about Service, Sisterhood, and Friendship anymore. No, it's because the money is disappearing.

I'm done. All my Gamma Sig related stuff will be put in Lost and Found, and that's it. I'm severing ties, I'm cutting my losses, I'm done.