Beth's Journal

I'm going to omit a lot of this to spare any of the NaBloWriMo readers out there, but to make a long story short, Bryan's bad attitude has ended up with him not being able to move in to Tara and Josh's house. I'm more than welcome over there, but his attitude towards them, and how he treats me, has made Josh decide that he just doesn't want to put up with Bryan.

Which is understandable.

Also, I've only cranked out 600 words for my novel today (I was going to shoot for another 3,000, and who knows, I could make it, but only with coffee and chocolate and late night writing), I slept through the morning, I lumped around all day on the couch, and now I'm freezing and starving.

Oh lord, how I LOVE being an adult.

-wedding has been postponed indefinitely. canceled reservation for the Arrowhead Lodge, so the refund will help out with finances.
-three days (well, two whole days and Wednesday morning) left of petsitting. It will be nice to have my life back.
-Bryan left for Lake Luzerne today.
-7 more days of work left.
-working on cranking out a unit on butterflies for student teaching. already.
-running out of new Doctor Who to watch. may have to start on the older stuff.
-been living off of coffee lately. not good, but considering the amount of stress I've been under lately...
-if I hear Stephen sing "Poker Face" or "My Heart Will Go On" one more time I will kill something.
-borderline depressed. woo.

5 more days until I get to see Bryan again. This is torture. I kinda hope he waits to get a teaching job until I at least finish student teaching. I'm having issues with three weeks - how could I last three months? I just don't function as well without him to bounce ideas off of, to snuggle with, to make sure I'm eating well, and to keep me from panicking over the stupid stuff. I mean, yeah, I'm an independent person, but there's something about his presence that just makes me feel a lot better.

I can't really believe this is happening, considering we freakin' live together, but I'm at that weird point where I doubt that he really exists. It happened two summers ago, when we hardly talked but I was so in love with him, and was miserable because he was over 400 miles away. Did he really ever kiss me, or was it just some funky hallucination? Is that telescope over in the corner his, or is it really mine? Being surrounded by his stuff is more commonplace than it was two summers ago. I had one box of his sweaters and his fi - well, now it's our filing cabinet, and some other assorted stuff. I used to rifle through it just to be surrounded by his stuff, because it was his and it smelled like him. Now all his shirts smell like the laundry detergent we both use, and his pillow smells like me instead of him. I don't even have any dirty Bryan socks laying around, because I did laundry last week. Diving into his shirt drawer won't help me anymore. It's all our stuff, not just his, not just mine. I wonder why I feel this way- I know he has to come back here. I know he's my fiance. But it feels like all that was a good dream. I need him back here. I miss him so much.

I know this is stupid, he'll be back here on Friday night and all will be right with the world. I should stop taking his presence for granted. I got so used to sitting in the bedroom, with him in the living room at the computer, that I just did my own thing, and he did his thing. We hardly spent time with each other besides when we slept. It was dumb of me to let things get like that.

Okay. I'm going to stop rambling. I should probably get off my but at some point and clean. (In all reality I'm probably going to go watch Magic Knight Rayearth, and hope for some more Ferio and Fuu scenes. <3 )

Yeah, last night sucked, but today's been pretty darn good. I went downtown to mail some stuff, deposit some money, and went to campus. The sun was out, and it wasn't too hot, and the trees are green and pretty. Talked to Bryan a few times today, too. I also got to hang out with Tara and play with her lovely puppies. I'm gonna try my hand at making little loli clothes for Hitomi later. :D

My dad is an idiot and is using the fact that Bryan's dad's van is broken and I may or may not have to be around to give the keys to the van to whoever tows it as a reason not to come up to visit tomorrow. I fucking knew this would happen. This is the 6th time in the past year that he's said he'd come up and then tell me he's not coming the day before he's supposed to be up here. I've stopped expecting much. I see Bryan's dad more often than I see my own. Hell, I think the last time I saw my dad was before I was even dating Bryan.

Mmm, I has yummy noodles to nom on for dinner. :D

Yep, Bryan's left for his trip to Arizona, and I'm stuck here with a dead van, a handful of Netflix movies, and a hamper of dirty laundry.

It's funny - I wanted to go on this trip too, but I told Bryan that someone's gotta stay home and work, to pay the bills. And here I am, unemployed. Haha. Nice one, universe. I'd much rather be on my way to Arizona, to hang out with the Navajo, instead of here in freezing Potsdam. I have to take my plants inside AGAIN tonight, because of another damn frost warning.

Ah well. If the weather's nice, I can sit outside and listen to ELO, and pretend the apartment's just one big tent, and I'm 17 again, and just sticking to myself and doing what I want.

Dammit, I wish we still had cable. At least Spongebob Squarepants could keep me company.