(no subject)
Mar. 8th, 2011 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dreamingpixelsThere are some things I need to work on coming to terms with, I think. A lot of things. Counseling's got me thinking about them a lot today.
-My mother was abusive. I never truly realized it until now - I knew she was screwed up and everything, but it didn't click until today that she was abusive. And would probably still be, if I lived at home. I can't change that. Yes, she loves me, but she also hurt me. A lot. And insulted me, made me feel inadequate, made me feel like I was a miserable wreck of a person. And maybe that stems from her own abuse issues, but that doesn't necessarily mean she has to take it out on us. Seeing the look on Trish's face when I told her about some of the stuff my mother's done (like essentially locking me in bed every night for a year and a half, by stuffing me in the top bunk bed and taking away the ladder, for example), the horrified look that said 'how could anyone do this to their own child?' just really made it click. And what really irks me is if I mention any of this to my younger sister, it'll get back to Mom, and she'll never speak to me again. Which may be for the better, yes, but I'd rather not speak to her on my own terms, you know?
-I need to realize that despite how utterly messed up I am, how ridiculously hard it is for me to interact socially, and how hard it is sometimes to even make it through the day, I am an amazing person. Trish said that people have ended up worse off than me after dealing with less. The fact that I can still function as an adult is amazing. And the fact that I've made it through to finishing grad school, all on my own, is amazing.
-I can stop trying to prove to my mother how successful I am in work and school. I don't necessarily need to get a doctorate. I don't need a huge cushy job. I don't need to rub it in her face that I did, in fact, graduate from college, and will have my Master's degree in a matter of months, and that I am successful and did not end up working at McDonalds, like she always said I would. I just need to live for myself. Not her. Not anyone else. And I don't need to live up to anyone's standards- just my own.
-My mother was abusive. I never truly realized it until now - I knew she was screwed up and everything, but it didn't click until today that she was abusive. And would probably still be, if I lived at home. I can't change that. Yes, she loves me, but she also hurt me. A lot. And insulted me, made me feel inadequate, made me feel like I was a miserable wreck of a person. And maybe that stems from her own abuse issues, but that doesn't necessarily mean she has to take it out on us. Seeing the look on Trish's face when I told her about some of the stuff my mother's done (like essentially locking me in bed every night for a year and a half, by stuffing me in the top bunk bed and taking away the ladder, for example), the horrified look that said 'how could anyone do this to their own child?' just really made it click. And what really irks me is if I mention any of this to my younger sister, it'll get back to Mom, and she'll never speak to me again. Which may be for the better, yes, but I'd rather not speak to her on my own terms, you know?
-I need to realize that despite how utterly messed up I am, how ridiculously hard it is for me to interact socially, and how hard it is sometimes to even make it through the day, I am an amazing person. Trish said that people have ended up worse off than me after dealing with less. The fact that I can still function as an adult is amazing. And the fact that I've made it through to finishing grad school, all on my own, is amazing.
-I can stop trying to prove to my mother how successful I am in work and school. I don't necessarily need to get a doctorate. I don't need a huge cushy job. I don't need to rub it in her face that I did, in fact, graduate from college, and will have my Master's degree in a matter of months, and that I am successful and did not end up working at McDonalds, like she always said I would. I just need to live for myself. Not her. Not anyone else. And I don't need to live up to anyone's standards- just my own.
no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 07:30 am (UTC)I hate people like that. :/
no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 03:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-09 04:50 pm (UTC)