(no subject)

[dreamingpixels]

Maybe it's me being sick, maybe it's because I had a rough day which ended with a student weeping because he had 20 minutes of time out during recess, or maybe it's the depression talking, but I'm seriously wondering if I'm cut out to be a teacher.

Oh, I handled weepy kid pretty well- sure, he kept crying, but I didn't lose it, and that's the important thing, I guess.

But I'm one of the least organized people on the planet. I'm also pretty awkward around kids. I'm irresponsible. I would love nothing better than to just curl up in bed and sleep until 8, read a book all day, and have that be my day.

I had the first of four "triad" meetings, where I sit down with my supervisor and my mentor teacher and we talk about "how I'm doing", and rate things on a 0-3 scale, 0 being "needs work" and 3 being the level of a master teacher.

Well, apparently I'm a master teacher when it comes to dressing myself professionally. Other than that, I'm no better than a student fresh out of their 100 hour observation period. I've been at this for four weeks, and teaching for half the day for two. And my mentor teacher and my supervisor said I've come a long way from where I was when I started, which leads me to believe I was an absolute wreck when I came in. A well dressed wreck, but a wreck nonetheless.

I have maturity issues. I need to learn to shut up when others are talking. I need to be less "calm and soothing" when in front of the class. I need to be more of a disciplinarian. I need to plan better. I need to be more aware of what every student in the class is doing. I need to vary my lessons more. I need to do this that and the other thing. I need to be someone entirely different.

I think I just wasted a lot of money on an education that may end up getting no use at all.

Comments

[stars_of_avalon]

** hugs **

Everyone has a bad day hun. And although it's a rough road I know you can do it. Just keep going, you'll make it!

[dreamingpixels]

*hugs*

[darkersummonings]

I honestly don't know what to tell you. I can only hug you and say that it'll get better. I know that for a fact, because I was where you are now not six months ago. *hands you cookie*

[dreamingpixels]

Mmm, cookie. *noms*

I was mostly just venting this out. It's been bothering me all day, and I had to get it out of my system before I went crazy. :\

[tehkittykat]

Take heart because you have only been at this for four weeks and only been teaching part-time for two. There's a HUGE learning curve to being a teacher and you're expected to be making all sorts of interesting and fun mistakes for at least a couple of years-- that's why they set up new teacher vetting and tenure the way they do.

And yeah, it's hard being the grown-up. Teaching really drives that whole "Oh crap now I'm a grown-up" feeling home. XD

[dreamingpixels]

Thing is, the girl I work with did really well on her triad today- she got twos and threes, while I got ones for the most part. After hearing that, I just want to go hide. :\

[tehkittykat]

There are always a lot of variables when it comes to this sort of evaluation. You don't know how much experience this other person has with dealing with small children, how much teaching/leadership experience they have, how much that person's teaching style is similar to your mentor's (this can make a difference in how others perceive you until you've established that your style works), etc. Don't worry a lot about comparisons and just focus on yourself.

One thing you could try to do is see if there's a master/mentor teacher stationed at your school (some districts have a really good teacher serving as a feedback/help type person) and talk about some of the issues you're having, especially if you feel like you can't talk to your assigned mentor or just want to get several opinions. Ditto for anybody in an instructional facilitator type position (they're involved in professional development and teacher evaluation and often have a lot of good, practical advice-- the IF's I've had were awesome for advice). I don't know specifically where to tell you to go since things vary so much state to state and district to district, but there's never any harm in taking advantage of the supports they have in place for new teachers when you're REALLY just starting out yourself.

[dreamingpixels]

I know that my mentor teacher is also a master teacher, but after today's experience with my triad, I'm not quite sure I want to go to her with my worries- I think she might take them the wrong way. I don't think there's an IF at the school district I'm at now, but there might be one at my next placement. I also have a new teacher to work with, as well as a new supervisor, so my next placement might go a little more smoothly. (My new supervisor was my professor for Science: Content and Methods, and I know her pretty well, and she likes me, I think. I didn't meet my current supervisor until our student teaching orientation. o_O)

[tehkittykat]

That is rough. If I were in your shoes I might try your mentor anyway-- just say you were reflecting on the triad meeting and you'd like some practical advice for putting all these suggestions into action, since sometimes it does take a concrete thing or three to try before one gets the hang of all that multitasking. I wish you luck-- the first long while is a rough patch.

[captainkirksnipples]

Hey there,

I've been through student teaching pretty recently myself. I passed, and I'm currently a Teacher. I also had a lot of times when I was ready to throw in the towel because it didn't seem like anything I could do was right. Like, really, one of my MTs seemed to think I was competition, and the other liked to yell at me at the drop of a hat and his voice would carry across 3-4 other classrooms. I can't guarantee your Master Teacher doesn't have a point in some cases, but from my own experiences and a lot of other people's whom I've talked to, a lot of it is highly personalized and not even much to do with you at all.

Student teaching is awful because you're sharing a room with someone who decided to be a teacher because they didn't like sharing or not being 'right' about everything. They also probably had a lot of borderline-abusive student teaching experiences themselves, so they figure it's their turn to make you cry and question everything. That you apparently dress well is a big perk - my female MT told me that I looked "shabby" and dressed "like a club kid". I wore the same business casual clothing I'd wear at any corporate job. I had to assume in order not to snap at her that she was just annoyed because she showed up to work in mom sweaters, rolled up khakis and Crocs every day. Not all of the critiques you receive will be fair - they might just touch a nerve with your Master Teacher and she'll take it out on you.

Expect that you will improve a lot by the midterm, and then backslide by the three-quarter mark. Don't give up at the tail end; my biggest mistake was that I had a bunch of stuff to do to get my Masters degree, so I didn't give it my all at the very end of my practicum, and my Master Teachers held a grudge because of it. Basically, a lot of it isn't you, but a lot of what you'll go through will feel like you're a four-year-old being chastised for not putting your toys away. It's embarrassing, demoralizing, and the best thing you can do for yourself is find someone who will let you bitch to them. It will keep you sane. Just remember, you know what you're doing; you are more comfortable than you were a month ago, and you'll be even more comfortable than that in another month.

It'll be okay!

~ Jessica

[tehkittykat]

God yeah, sometimes they pick the worst people to handle new teachers on the school end (or they volunteer). There was once a master teacher in my first school who made even the vets cry with how critical she was.

[captainkirksnipples]

Honestly, sometimes you'll cry because you're stressed about what you're doing and everything that is conveniently going badly at home simultaneously; and sometimes you'll be having a great week and your teacher will decide you need just one last go-around before the weekend so you can spend the next two days re-thinking every interaction you've ever had. I've had to come around to the idea that crying isn't a sign of weakness, because otherwise I don't think I would have come back after some of those weekends.

[tehkittykat]

Those kinds of perfect storms of suck never get any easier, either.

[dreamingpixels]

I think part of it is that I'm a little sensitive, and while my mentor teacher realizes this, I think she thinks I'm more sensitive than I am sometimes. She tends to try and say things as nicely as she can, when I wish she'd just speak her mind. Other times, she's utterly blunt, and I'm sitting there biting the inside of my cheek and trying not to cry.

And I'm horrid at planning. There's no way around that.

[tehkittykat]

That's why I have become a staunch advocate of finding someone who can help you who you can also bitch at.

You'll get better at planning with practice! It took me the better part of a year to really figure out how to plan things that didn't occasionally suck.

[captainkirksnipples]

Your Master Teacher is totally going to hone in on any weakness you have and exploit it. In part, she wants to make sure that you're not going to flake after a rough day or two, and in another sense, it's schadenfreude. Her Master Teacher did the same thing, so she latches onto any similar patterns she sees in you.

One of my MTs was huge on having written examples of everything and lesson plans prepared at least a week in advance for everything, while the other hasn't really used paperwork in his 30+ years of being an educator. I used the Madeline Hunter format for my lesson plans - the educational theorist, not the romance novelist, by the by. The big weakness is that it doesn't offer you any opportunity for reflection, which my MTs also harped on. The good news is that it gets you thinking about everything else, like time management, materials, how you're going to model and check for understanding, etc. I recommend something that you can come back to if you're having a hard time planning ahead with stuff.

My own unofficial evaluation in which I demonstrate I know jack all!

[jkmoreno]

I totally agree that you dress professionally and carry that well. Seeing pictures of you at work and such makes that very obvious.

As for the other stuff, I'm sure it's not all -that- heavy. Perhaps with less "calm and soothing" and more disciplinarian, it's probably just them failing to porperly communicate that you'd need to strike a balance between the two. Like saying that while it's okay to be friendly, it still needs to be clear that you are in charge, and that you are in charge for a reason. Or something like that.

Needing to be aware of what everyone is doing ... well, that's probably a given. As a teacher, you're as responsible for them as your mentor and supervisor are for you, so you wouldn't want to be completely in the dark about them. I'm pretty sure that that particular skill takes time develop, though.

As for maturity issues and learning to shut up when others are talking and planning better and lesson variance ... well, I can't offer up anything there other than I personally think you have no problem shutting up and listening when you want to, and that the only way I think you'd be perceived to have maturity issues was if you consistently acted the age of the kids in your class, or they read your blogs circa the 1990s.

I try to look at it this way: if my lesson plan is keeping me engaged and attentive, it's at least on the right track. If it seems repetitive and boring to me, it's likely in need of improvement somehow, and in some way that will make it engaging for me again.

Granted, I'm not working with kids in a compulsory classroom setting that I'll be seeing 180-something days a year - at least, not those who biologically are kids - but people who are at least 16, in groups of three or four at most for 5-8 days at most and rarely in a row, and whom I can dismiss if they underperform consistently. Plus you're getting formal education for this while the limit of my own training on it was a few follow shifts and a one-day seminar. But after doing my thing for the better part of three-and-a-half years, I'd like to think I've picked up enough to offer my own little insight.

If all else fails, try resorting to acting. Sure, you'd love nothing more than to sleep and read all day, but you can still -act- like you're Superteacher! Heavens knows I've had to act like Supertrainer on days where I didn't want to be there or had other things on my mind.

In short, if 0 is an F and 3 is an A+, then on your absolute worst day you're a C-, and your supervisor and mentor probably need to be a little more aware of what -you're- doing, and maybe offer up a little guidance rather than telling you what you need to do. Teaching is definitely not simply giving orders.

See! I know jack all!

[shadowgate]

Here's some advice as a teacher in her second year of teaching out of Potsdam .... there are days where I still yet feel like shit and discouraged. I have yet to find a permanent position, I've done a lot of supply work and I've had some long term occasional ... don't worry too much about what your supervisor says. They are there to give you advice based on one day of observation. Remember, you're still fresh at this, most of your teachers have had years of experience. They know this. Take it with a grain of salt ... when you get your own classroom you are the one who's conducting the class. Your teaching style will change, that, I promise you. I look at the classes I've had and there are things I look back on and will change in the future.

Chin up, don't feel so discouraged, even the best of teachers today started somewhere and are doing exactly what you're doing today and probably felt the same. Hell when my mom did this years ago, she was in a class for ONE week. That's it. And she has her BEd in teaching from a prestigious school in Canada. (St. Francis of Xavier) so don't worry too much about it. If you ever need ANY help, just ask. I'd be glad to help you out.