baby loves to dance in the dark, cause when he's looking she falls apart

[dreamingpixels]

I don't feel normal.

I worry about the ridiculous stuff, like about what I say at work and how it's perceived. I try to put on a good front at work, and in front of my new friends, but it even feels like my normal self is a mask, hiding a small, scared girl who's afraid of the light.

I'm almost tempted to go back to counseling - after all, Student Counseling is right downstairs from my office - but what am I going to say? "I don't feel normal. My life is perfect, but I just don't feel right." Sure. That'll work. I almost get the feeling that I annoy people when I go over there. Like they're thinking "Oh lord, not her again. How long has she been here, anyway? Ten years? Seriously, grow up and graduate." Two of the people who used to work there when I started going to counseling (and when counseling used to be in Dunn, where the IT offices are now - how weird is that, I spend lots of time where I used to spend lots of time) retired, so it's not so bad. Wait, I take that back. My counselor retired, a few years ago, and that's kinda a pain in the ass. I'm still in the process of explaining my life to the new guy, Josh. He's nice, and he listens, and he always says hi to me when he sees me around campus.

I think I may go back. I don't know if it's because I'm stressed out, or overworking myself, or if I'm just really broken. I just want to sleep all the time. I get home from work and class and plop myself down in front of the computer, and I don't even really do anything. I listen to Gaga. I watch her videos. I want to lock myself in a dark room and listen to The Fame Monster for hours on end. I just want to hide. I'm making friends, and I have a job, and I'm doing so well in my major, and all I want to do is hide.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Comments

[moonbathe_skin]

Altho we don't know eachother and only just added, I have also suffered from anxiety/depression and I founf that counselling helped me to put things back into perspective. Bad things didn't seem so bad.

[ex_fathomless325]

Maybe you're just an introvert who isn't getting the recharge time you need to cope with the outside world. That's what happens to me, at least. With school and work and new friends a lot is probably being taken out of you. Without time to yourself to put your head back together you're collapsing a little bit. Some introverts find they need two hours of alone time for every hour they are social. That's a hard thing to balance when life keeps you on your toes.

It might just be general depression and anxiety, but it does sound an awful lot like what happens to me, so I thought I'd throw it out there in case it helps makes sense of the situation.

You're not crazy. And you're not alone.

~Celes

[syntaxofthings]

I agree with Celes. It also sounds like you're not *letting* yourself relax when you're alone and it's relaxing time - I have that problem a lot. It's really, truly, okay to let go of all the thoughts of things to do and why am I like this and why can't I be more like that when you're alone relaxing. You'll feel so much better when you do, I bet. Thinking all these anxious thoughts gets tiring.

I fight them allll the time - even just a few days ago I realized I was being too hard on myself and somehow let it go enough that I've been getting tons done since. Weird.

[mu]

I know how you feel. I do a lot of the same things. :(

[amethystfirefly]

You can still have a perfect life and be depressed. -hugs-

It might be an introvert thing, like alwaysunami and syntaxofthings suggested. Can you try to increase your "alone time" and see if that helps?

[jkmoreno]

In my horribly unprofessional opinion, there is clearly only one thing wrong with you.

Nothing.

Maybe wanting to sleep all the time is a sign of possible overwork or overuse of energy, but wanting to hide out and take time for yourself? That, IMHUO, is perfectly normal and within your rights. You're still making frineds, doing well, have a job, and all that? Okay. Hide for a while and if it gets to a point where you don't want to come out or think to, I'm sure Bryan or someone else will nudge you out.

But, again, IMHUO, I don't see anything wrong with wanting to hide out a while. Gotta have Bethie time, right?