Beth's Journal

Holy crap, it's been four whole years (give or take) since I last posted in here. I knew it had been a while, but I didn't quite realize just how long it had been. Do I even still have friends here?

And damn, things have changed.

Like, where do I even start? What do I talk about? That I learned how to drive a few years ago, and finished my dual masters degree program too? The fact that I'm going through another divorce and I'm not even 40 years old yet? The goddamned pandemic and how much of a raging dumpster fire that is?

Damn. I seriously don't know. What I do know, though, is that this poor old journal is a bit dusty and needs a bit of cleanup. For one thing, I could probably use some new user icons. And a new journal theme. And maybe I should tweak my profile a bit.

Yeah, I think that's where I'll start. I'll talk more about the ridiculous stuff that's gone on in my life later on - first, I need to do a little work on my journal space.

Here's hoping I can actually stick with posting regularly this time around.

There are some things I need to work on coming to terms with, I think. A lot of things. Counseling's got me thinking about them a lot today.

-My mother was abusive. I never truly realized it until now - I knew she was screwed up and everything, but it didn't click until today that she was abusive. And would probably still be, if I lived at home. I can't change that. Yes, she loves me, but she also hurt me. A lot. And insulted me, made me feel inadequate, made me feel like I was a miserable wreck of a person. And maybe that stems from her own abuse issues, but that doesn't necessarily mean she has to take it out on us. Seeing the look on Trish's face when I told her about some of the stuff my mother's done (like essentially locking me in bed every night for a year and a half, by stuffing me in the top bunk bed and taking away the ladder, for example), the horrified look that said 'how could anyone do this to their own child?' just really made it click. And what really irks me is if I mention any of this to my younger sister, it'll get back to Mom, and she'll never speak to me again. Which may be for the better, yes, but I'd rather not speak to her on my own terms, you know?

-I need to realize that despite how utterly messed up I am, how ridiculously hard it is for me to interact socially, and how hard it is sometimes to even make it through the day, I am an amazing person. Trish said that people have ended up worse off than me after dealing with less. The fact that I can still function as an adult is amazing. And the fact that I've made it through to finishing grad school, all on my own, is amazing.

-I can stop trying to prove to my mother how successful I am in work and school. I don't necessarily need to get a doctorate. I don't need a huge cushy job. I don't need to rub it in her face that I did, in fact, graduate from college, and will have my Master's degree in a matter of months, and that I am successful and did not end up working at McDonalds, like she always said I would. I just need to live for myself. Not her. Not anyone else. And I don't need to live up to anyone's standards- just my own.

Yeah, I've been quiet. Classes and work have been eating up most of my free time. It's crazy, but today's not too bad, especially since I don't have to go in until 10 today.

Sometimes I wonder why I have a cellphone. Nobody really calls me, and I feel awkward about randomly text messaging people. I should probably just start doing it anyway. If anyone on here wants my phone number, so they can text me or whatever, let me know. It'll make me feel like less of a weird friendless loser.

Bryan and I have been married for six months today! We're considering taking half of the top of our wedding cake out of the freezer and thawing it to see if it's edible. XD (Seriously, the cake takes up a good third of our little freezer. The top is the size of an entire cake. It's crazy.)

Going to work on my portfolio tonight while I work on building up the image I want for my tiny computer lab. I've got control of three happy little computers, and I can't wait to get them all functional and online so nobody has to use my personal computer. XD Yeah, today's going to be fun. I may even go to the meeting for Bear-Con, SUNY Potsdam's first ever anime/gaming convention. I might do a panel on Lolita fashion, heh. Yeah, my inner otaku is going crazy about being able to get in on the ground floor of a convention. XD

Well, that's all that's been going on in Beth-land, at least all that I feel like talking about right now.

Yeah, it's snowing, and snowing a lot, and I shoveled at least 6 inches of snow off the front walk this morning, but SUNY Potsdam only cancelled classes until noon. I'm currently waiting for 11:30 to roll around so I can call the office (again) and see if I'm needed there. If not, I don't think I'm even going to bother to come to campus today. My only class is an independent study project, and I can work on that while I'm at home. Heck, I could work on it right now. But yeah. Not sure what's going on. All I know is that it's nearly 10 am and my street hasn't even been plowed yet. O_o This morning brought the longest list of school closings that I've seen since I lived in central NY. It's crazy.

Might straighten up the living room and then do some homework. We'll see.

edit: All classes cancelled. Freezing my butt off. Wondering if I have to go to work - called and left a message, since it rang a bunch of times and then went to voicemail. Hoping I don't have to leave. BRR.

Hooray! It's made it up to -14! When I woke up, it was -22! O_o

In order to make it to work/classes today...

-I'm wearing thermal leggings - they are uncomfortable, but warm
-I'm wearing wooly socks, much more comfy than the leggings
-I bundled up my laptop in its slipcase, that extra bit of padding should keep it warm
-I stuffed my phone in its little quilted sleeve - it's puffy, warm, and covered in Sailor Moon print, should be safe from the elements that way!
-I'll be wearing my giant fluffy pink hat, no matter how it destroys my hair
-I'll be using those little hand warmers for their actual purpose today, instead of taping them to my shoulders or wrists for use as cheap alternatives to Thermacare heat pads

Ah crap, time to get going if I want to make it to work on time. If I don't freeze to death first.

Yeah, it's rare to have such awesome, fun dreams - I'm usually stuck with the weird or creepy ones, but last night's was awesome.

It started out with going to an amusement park, and testing out this new ride that was supposed to be bumper-cars-esque, but it was held inside a giant sphere, and everyone was put in teams of two and strapped into these big bubble-like things, and depending on which way you leaned it'd send the ball spinning in one direction or another. Apparently I was paired up with Violet, a girl who's been in a few classes with me, and we were doing awesomely as a team making this thing go crazy - it felt like a tilt-a-whirl on crack, haha. It was so amazing! Anyway, after doing that, everyone who was there (apparently we were on a grad school trip?) went back to the hotel, and I realized I'd forgotten something somewhere, and next thing I know I'm at my mother's, and there's a ton of snow on the ground. So, I climb up to the top of the fence that separates the driveway from the back yard, and see the snow is at least seven feet high... and I take a swan-dive into a snowdrift. XD And I swam along in the poofy snow! So awesome.

And then I woke up. XD

I think this year has treated me pretty well. I got back into grad school and haven't had a grade lower than a 3.7, I got off unemployment and have a real job again, I patched things up with Bryan and we managed to plan a wedding in 5 months, and we actually have a place to live! On top of that, there's the whole PhD in Videogames thing (XD) going on. 2010 ended well, and 2011 shows a lot of promise.

Tonight's plans involve going over to Kit's with lots of wine, hoping that she's healthy enough to enjoy said wine, and spending time with some of my favorite people. Even Morgan's going to be up here! Bryan may or may not go, considering his opinion of Morgan, but that's his decision. I'm not gonna let it ruin my New Year's. I haven't seen Kit in ages, and I miss her and the dogs. And I haven't seen Morgan in about a year, give or take. It's gonna be a good night, I think.

I don't even have to worry about waking up for Levitt tomorrow! I'm still not used to that. At least my weekend shifts are now on Sunday nights, so not only can I sleep in, I can sleep in stupidly late if I wanted to. Usually by that time of night, anyway, I've run out of fun things to do, so it'll be my designated homework time. :)

But yeah. Happy New Year's Eve to everyone! :D

I am so damned tired today. I'm dealing with an effing eye infection, and on antibiotics and all that, and am cranky as all hell. I want to rest.

So, instead, I get dragged out of the house three times, twice to the mall. I don't do malls. Especially during the holiday season. Too many people, it makes me twitchy.

So, yeah, needless to say, I am not a happy camper right now. I want to smack the father-in-law upside the head, and quite honestly, I want to go home. Back up to Potsdam, to spend the rest of my winter break in relative peace and quiet and privacy. Because here there is none. I have to password protect the laptop before leaving it so the father-in-law doesn't get snoopy (and he will, he's snooped on Bryan's computer before and found pictures of us we did NOT want him seeing). I hate it here. I wanna go home.

Why do I feel guilty for just wanting some time to myself? I've been constantly on the go, all damn semester long, and I just want some down time. It's the first weekend I've had since August where I haven't had some sort of commitment to worry about. Is it so wrong that I just want to sit in front of my computer, surf the internet, and listen to music like I haven't really been able to do all semester?

I mean, yeah, I did get some chances to do that, but they were in the ICT office, surrounded by computer bits, in an uncomfortable desk chair, and with people constantly coming in and out and in and out of my office. But aside from that, and the hour or so I was able to snatch each morning and evening after waking up/before going to bed, I haven't had time to do my sort of relaxing in a very long time.

Why do I feel guilty about this?

We just sat and watched TV together for two hours, and ate dinner, and it was nice, but now that I want to use the computer again, I feel guilty because he's on his side of the room, sad because we're not next to each other, paying attention to each other, and so on.

I want to hide, and just come out tomorrow when I feel better again.

It is much too cold in the living room today. I just want to go back in the bedroom and lay down, but then I won't get up in time for work, and I'm pretty sure they need me at work today.

At least when I get to work, I can turn the heater on under my desk and snuggle into my warm shirt of choice and be nice and warm.

Four more months to go until the snow is gone. Dammit. :/